Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be large. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely away from spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")

Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But yes, guaranteed, let us have An additional area in which American Males can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer you All people a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's not that Trump should Trump Tower Damascus not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he should really end using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following locating the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is really not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options

Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium wherever attendees may perhaps ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Command set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Method: "Should you Bomb It, They can Come"

The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the area"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"

The challenge is previously attracting interest from international traders, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will also contain:

A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD may have switch-down services."

Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences propose:

China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Final Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You're welcome."

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires